Wednesday, February 1, 2012


I somehow came across this song the other day.  It was odd that I found it at the time I did because it meshed exactly with what's been going through my mind lately.  "Oh, jeez, Heather, does this have to do with mental health again?" you ask.  Why, yes.  Yes, it does!  Not because I'm taking my blog to this whole new "mental disorder sphere," but, rather, because it helps me keep track of my emotions and I blog instead of journal.  Plus, a lot of people appreciated my last blog post and could relate to what I had been through.  This is for you.

Anyway, the song is by an up-and-coming artist from Seattle (yay!!) named Jen Woods (bing her, she's amazing) and the words sunk in so deep that it almost stopped my heart when the meaning hit me.  Wow, not too many songs or artists or lyricists (whatever) write about this subject.  So needless to say it affected me.  Here it is and the lyrics are below.

Today I threw away my pills
against my family doctor's will.
They said they would make me smile
but instead I feel nothing,
nothing at all.

I see that look on your face
wondering if I'm okay.
Mother need not to fear.
I promise to stay near.

You won't be there forever.
You won't be there forever.
You won't be there forever.

I can learn to trust.
I can learn to scream.
I can learn to say yes
if that's what you need from me.

You can learn to trust.
You can learn to scream.
I can learn to say yes
if that's what you need from me.

You won't be there forever.

The first time I listened to this song I was intrigued that someone would write about throwing away their antidepressants.  I've been there--done that.  Without my meds I'm a raving, sobbing lunatic running around creating hell for anyone in my way.  But I got to thinking about the fact that I've been on my "pills" for so long that I don't remember what it feels like to be me.  My drugs even me out...which is a good thing, and a bad thing.  I don't remember the last time I got really excited or super happy about something.  I don't, or at least I'm not supposed to feel the super lows either.  This is what the pills do generally speaking. 

I then realized that this "person" I am now can't emotionally live my whole life, just a portioned part of it.  Don't get me wrong, I'd rather feel like this than the alternative.  But a certain sense of mourning comes with the help.  Here's where the guilt comes in that she talks about in the song.  Like her, my Mom doesn't receive the entire Heather, and if that's true, then neither do my kids, or my husband or anyone in my life.  The guilt is, at times, overwhelming.  And further, I don't feel like I have ever been able to truly mourn my Sister's death, or my Dad's stroke, etc., etc., etc. because those feeling simply don't exist in my world.  It sucks, but it's the reality. 

So, I can learn to trust, I can learn to scream and I can learn to say yes...I have to let people see that part of me that is suffering or needs help or just needs to scream sometimes.  I would expect and hope that you would show those things to me.

My youngest has a hard time with over-feeling things.  He is the most sensitive, sweet, courageous person I know and at age 8 he is having to learn these things way too early.  I pray every day that the road is easier for him.  I hope that he has learned something from watching me struggle and I hope that modern medicine can someday perfect the "pills."


Unknown said...

OK...can I just say how brave you are?! What a deep insight you have and whether you decide to go it without the pills or not, you have a friend in me! You've been through more than most people even dream of and I don't really believe anyone can fully understand mental health issuses unless you've been there-WAY too hard to explain.

I know that you, Martin and your sweet kids will be able to make the best choice for you and now you'll find out who realy loves you because they'll be the ones who, even if they can't really understand you, will be there to support you no matter what. You got a soft place to fall with me Heather! Inspiration doesn't happen by accident!

Love you!

Mindy said...

How many of those "pills" are you taking these days?!!! Grief. :) Candyland. ((Hahaha!)) We love you Fred.