Jenny, I Miss You

Sometimes in life I feel like I would really like to hold back time. Just pinch it and make it stay where it is. I've felt that way when I am really enjoying my children being little or when I'm having a good day. That's also how I've felt for a few months now, knowing this day was coming. I don't know why I feel so much more lonesome for Jen today. Maybe it's because a whole year seems really long, or maybe it just reminds me she's gone, or maybe I feel like I'm forgetting her. Whatever the reason, I'm sad, and I miss her a lot today. I don't want to make this day about me, because it isn't. But I don't know how else to honor and remember her today. Maybe that's okay and you'll humor me...just for today. And maybe Jen will too. These are some of me and my family's favorite memories of Jen.

Martin: Jenny and Ernie were visiting us from Utah. This was before they had their girls so they were fairly free back then. They had lots of fun driving to Canada and visiting Kurt Cobain's grave. One day they drove to Leavenworth with Martin and the kids. They loved it because they both went to Germany on their missions and that little Bavarian town was like going home for them. On the way there, Martin and Jen talked and talked about politics. Jen was a major liberal and Martin was....well, not. Out of everyone, Martin and Jen got along best even though they had obvious flat=out differences. They respected each others opinions and both realized that the other, generally speaking, knew what they were talking about! Martin misses Jen for that and for the great threat she posed at Trivial Pursuit. She was the only one that could beat him (and I loved her for that!!).

Alex: One winter day when we were visiting for Christmas in Utah, Jen decided she was going to take my kids (just Alex and Olivia at the time) and go sledding. I may have been pregnant with Isaac, but I don't remember. Anyway, I warned Jen that my kids are not the daring type and I didn't know how anxious they would be about this little trip. She assured me all would be fine and they would love it. She got them all bundled up and took off one morning with video in hand to the mountains. When they got back she was laughing so hard she really couldn't tell me how it went. She turned on the video and showed me the proceedings of the day. On the screen was Alex sliding down the hill over and over with Jenny's encouraging voice trying to persuade Olivia to go down. Olivia was having none of it. So, Jen picked her up, put her on the sled and pushed her down the hill, screaming and crying the whole way. For the rest of the video Olivia sat at the bottom of the hill sobbing while Jenny video taped Alex going down again and again. She cried non-stop and Jenny consoled her, as she laughed to the side. I still have this video.

Olivia: Olivia remembers swimming in the pool with Aunt Jenny. Jen loved to go swimming. When we were little kids Jenny was always the first (and often only) one to get in the freezing waters at Willard Bay, Lake Powell or Bear Lake. She knew no seasonal boundaries. She liked to frolic in the waters as she got older and had her little girls. I remember the summer before she died going to Jackson and staying at a campground that had a somewhat disgusting and questionable swimming pool. Everyone else went hiking but Jen and I because we had to stay back with the littlest kids. She was jumping in and bouncing around and screaming like she was 15 again! Erin and Phoenix were loving watching their mom have so much fun.

Isaac: When I ask Isaac about Jenny he says she's in the ground. I think that memory for him will always stand out. Poor guy. He will never know Jenny like my other two did. But I remember something that she loved to tell me about a day she spent with Isaac while Martin and I were in Hawaii. She took Alex, Olivia and Isaac and some of the other nieces and nephews to see a movie. I don't remember the movie but she remembered Isaac sat on her lap, and he was a big baby, as she fed him popcorn the ENTIRE time. He was only 1 or 2 and she had to place each piece in his mouth because he didn't want to get his hands buttery.

Heather: There are so many memories to choose from. We had such a fun relationship, especially before we got into our mean teens. We played in my dad's barn and climbed up to the off-limits loft, spent hours flying kites in Dad's fields, and played house in the trailer when mom didn't know we had found the key. We had a lot of fights as we got older, but we always loved each other. Once, when she was 16 or so and having a hard time, she came home one night and came to me and I held her while she cried for 2 or 3 hours until my parents got home. It scared me then, but I think about it now and I'm so glad she knew she could come to me. When she had her second daughter, Phoenix, she called me and begged me to come home to Utah for the baby blessing. I was so glad she wanted me there for that moment and I'm so glad I went. We got to spend a few days together without my kids, and we talked a lot. That is a sweet memory.

I know even though Jen isn't here in the flesh with me now, she is all around me. I feel her in the warm sunshine, hear her in the laugh of a new friend, and see her in the eyes of her daughters. I think of her often, and just thinking of her makes her seem closer.

I love you, Jen. I miss you. Stay as close as you can...