It's been 2 years since my sister, Jen passed away from Brain Cancer. It's amazing how time flies. It's officially the longest time that I've gone without seeing her. Her mission was a mere 18 months and that seemed like an eternity!It's like my sister Mindy said in her blog, I find myself talking, laughing, arguing, and thinking like she did. I think that's part of the way we keep her alive with us. We take on traits of hers that we miss. I'll never be as wickedly funny or argumentative as she was and I'll never be as smart but I like to think I'm getting closer.
So what does it feel like to lose someone so close to you? How does it feel after 2 years? The answer is the same. It hurts, and hurts, and hurts. Sometimes I think I'm fine and then something hits me like a brick wall and stops me in my tracks. Like the other day I dropped Isaac off at school. I watched him walk from the car toward the school, hopping a little, skipping some, and yes, dragging his feet A LOT (that's Isaac). I watched him as he disappeared behind the wall and it hit me in my chest and took my breath away. I love watching him walk on his own, and move on in life. Jen won't have that the same way. Erin (Jenny's oldest) starts Kindergarten next year and Jen will miss it. She'll miss getting her ready for school and picking her up as she gets off the bus. It's so hard to think of that. It's something that brings a mother such joy.
A little over 2 years ago when Jen found out she was taking a turn for the worse and not responding to the chemo, it was early August and we all were in the throws of the "back to school": buying school clothes, and supplies, finding out teachers, etc.. I remember her getting really quiet and saying this was the kind of thing she'd miss the most. I know Erin is okay. She has my Mom and my Sister, Mindy there to pick her up and they'll do an awesome job of it, but for Jenny, I'm sad. I like to think she's going to be there anyway. Maybe she will be.
I love Imogen Heap. I love the words to almost all of her songs and I can put myself in her frame of mind and totally get what she's talking about, unlike any other singer I know. Jenny liked her as well. I came across a song of hers that just hit and stuck with me. The words totally convey my thoughts about life without my sister. The song's called "Wait it Out" and some of the words are here:
Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
In the shatter of us collapsed.
That cuts me with every could-have-been.
Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.
Everybody says:
"Time heals everything."
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?
I know Jen would never want us to stop living our lives. I know our family will all see her again. I'll hold her hand and she'll look at me and smile. It seems like it's too hard to wait. It seems impossible even, but I just take a day at a time, a week at a time, a year at a time. That's the best I can do; take it a day at a time and enjoy every minute with my kids and Martin and our family and friends. She'd want that. I think she expects it and will be disappointed in me if I don't. So we all do our best. I hope it's enough, Jen. I miss and love you.
If you want to hear the song click on this: http://www.lala.com/#album/504684635190075022
and click on "Wait it Out"
7 comments:
Thanks Heather, You and Mindy both had beautiful things to say about Jenny. I think that Jenny is watching over Erin and Phoenix all of the time, and she will be there during important event in their lives, and I think we will know it too.
Love you guys!
Thank you Heather. I needed that. :) - It's so crazy to think that time has flown by so fast. I love how you worded your thoughts - a lot of them are similar to mine...but only from a college girl's point of view.
Well written Heather. We were thinking of you all day. Much love from the Hartmans.
Make me cry why don't you. The last few months have been harder for me then most without Jen. I relate to her and I miss her. Everything about her. Everytime I see Erin or Phoenix I see a bit of Jenny. Phoenix has the spunk of Jen for sure. Erin she likes to talk about her mom. She says things like "I don't have a mom, my mom died. She's in heaven now and I don't get to see her until I die." And it kills me. Love you Jen. Love you heather!
This totally makes me cry Heath. I used to sit with Jen and Erin and watch Spongebob and think how I wish for a miracle that would allow her to share those moments with her baby girl just a little longer. But I hope that she is still sharing them, just from a little further away. But the good part is, it makes me appreciate every moment with my children even more. Just tonight, my kids were reminding me to come and say prayers with them. I was really busy with my room, so I told them to say them alone tonight. I started back into my project and thought, if something happened to me tomorrow, I will wish I had put my project aside and spent those precious moments by their beds. It has made me more aware of just how precious those moments are and how lucky I am to have them.
I miss you so much! Love you Heath!
Thanks for making this post. I had been pondering what you’ll do through my best 3-D equipment
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